The following has been written, not in efforts of sympathy or skepticism. It is not for the faint of heart and should you choose to continue reading, I urge you to do so with an open mind.
My name is Mark Rason. I am a 25 year old “part time” entrepreneur. Even though my hands may tremble as I type, I have to get this out. Over the last ten years I have been struggling with an illness known as depression. This is my story.
I just read one of the most influential articles my eyes have ever come across. Maybe influential isn’t the right word. Regardless of whatever letters you choose to describe Michael Landsberg’s “HELPING TO LEAD FIGHT AGAINST MENTAL ILLNESS,” it has inspired me to share something that I never thought I could, at least publicly.
In Landsberg’s post he (who also struggles with the illness) references the phase “I’m trying to be happy.” This phase had caught him off guard when he heard it spill off the lips of 2 time NHL Stanley Cup champion Stéphane Richer in an interview that he was doing for his TSN TV show Off The Record. After hearing this, I couldn’t help but relate because I stared blankly at that strategically located quotation for approximately 10 minutes repeating the same thought, “I’ve been trying for most my life.”
For the most part, I mask my illness with a couple of bad jokes and a well groomed hair cut. My life (or how I see it) is organized chaos. By first impression I appear happy, confident, capable – organized. Some family members may even refer to me as the “life” of the party, when I’m actually the complete opposite; I find comfort in being alone yet it terrifies me.
Two weeks before my 16th birthday I lost a very important friend to suicide. I use the word important to describe our friendship because that’s exactly what we were to each other - important. This was the first person I had ever opened up to about my “darkness” after learning that they too were also suffering. The nightmares were just another common trait the two of us shared and our conversations, which felt more like confessions, often lasted until one of us got caught on the phone by our parents well into the night. Even after our nightly lectures from our parents, we’d sneak onto the computer and spark up an online conversation until the sun came up.
When I lost my friend, I lost my hope. To this day I have never been the same. Along the way I’ve made a lot of close acquaintances and very few trusting friends. I used to strive to be the person whom I thought could be “happy,” but the attempt of being someone that I am not failed miserably. I used to think that I lost of part of me to the illness that took my friend, those thoughts are still a struggle. After reading Landsberg’s blog I realized that I am not alone in my struggles with acceptance. If his voice can be used to raise awareness then, hopefully, mine can too.
The NHL has recently launched a website called www.mindcheck.ca as an effort to continue the legacy of Vancouver Canucks forward Rick Rypien who lost his battle with mental illness on August 15, 2011. I urge anyone who feels that they, or someone they care about, may be at risk of battling a mental illness to visit this site and seek professional help.
Because in the words of my NEW friend Michael Landsberg;
“We live in a world that still see’s mental illness as self inflicted. I am doing only what I should be doing as a decent person. Are you?”
This post is dedicated to ANYONE that has ever lost someone close to them. You are not alone in your struggles with acceptance. Heaven is a place where angels belong.
